Sinking into Love...Coming Home to Self.

       Driving on the way home my sons and I have the most interesting conversations. My youngest, now just shy of ten is not lacking in what he adds to our discussions. This particular day it was he that asked such a thought provoking question that seized my attention. His question caused me to search deep within myself for not just a quick response but something meaningful and full insight from a life lived and lessons learned. 

       He asked how would a person know if they were ready for marriage. The question came on the heels of another question asking why did his father and I divorce. His question struck me. I found it profoundly important to not only be honest but to impart to him wisdom that he may utilize in his own life. I pondered his words and allowed them to resonate within. The response was from my soul. I told my son that a person is ready for marriage when they intentionally love themselves; When they are able to accept themselves flaws and all. 

       Reading these words casually one may miss their depth. Many people would say that they love themselves but when examined more closely the signs of loving oneself are not visible. The internal dialogue tells a different story. The dialogue of of self-judgemental thoughts that parade the average person's mind are a result of feeling inadequate and broken. Looking for love in this state of brokenness leaves you vulnerable to someone coming in and filling a void that cannot be filled through another human being. The old wise teaching of loving your neighbor as you love yourself has loving oneself first at its base. When our self love is unhealthy we love others as we love ourselves in an unhealthy way. The way we think and feel about ourselves as well as the way we treat ourselves will be how we show up in relationships and what we project onto the people we are in relationships with. 
        In my former marriage I did not know what self love and self acceptance looked like. I  did not have a resting place for the trauma I experienced as a child. I thought I was flawed and unworthy of love. I thought that no one could truly love me. I ended up marrying a man that initially seemed to love me, but soon showed signs of emotional abuse. I projected my insecurities onto him and he projected his onto me. We were a mess. 

        It wasn't until I learned how to love and accept myself that I truly learned to love others. For me this deeper self-love came from knowing that I am unwaveringly loved by my Heavenly Father. He loves me flaws and all. His love has healed many wounds in my life. After many years of looking for my worthiness in the face and acceptance of others I finally have begun to know and understand my value and worthiness as a human being. I also now feel ready for love in a romantic sense. I recognize my flaws as well as my strengths. I accept myself and love myself seeing no one above me and no one beneath me. I am ready to serve a man, a companion in marriage while setting healthy boundaries around what is necessary and important for me as well. I am now ready for marriage. 

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